Family Law for the Future – Solutions, Healing and Restoration

The Existing System is Broken

When conflict arises in our lives, we turn to the dispute resolution techniques that we know. For legal conflict, our minds turn first to the Courts. In Canada, our Courts operate on an adversarial system. It is a system in which litigants are pitted against each other in battle; there is a judge; there is a winner and there is a loser. Most of us have never turned our minds to whether this system is a productive, kind, dignified or even rational method of resolving conflict.

Family Law conflict is a particular kind of conflict. It is conflict that occurs between people who have once shared love and goodwill, and who share many other connections. They will often share children, relationships with friends and extended families and a deeply integrated pattern of living. How could it ever be wise, or sound, to resolve this particular form of conflict by way of a gavel?

Court is an option that generates grave harm for all involved. We must recall what the court asks of separated couples. It asks them to denigrate, demean and bludgeon their separated spouse. It takes away their autonomy to decide the most critical aspects of their lives, and places it in the hands of a stranger, who has limited knowledge of their complex, intimate circumstances. It breeds conflict and contempt. It places children in the middle of battle, and forever scars them with the toxic fallout of this battle.

The Family Courts have sought to generate methods of softening the edge of the adversarial process. The most significant effort has been through prescribed Conferencing prior to battle. Conferences are Court attendances where parties seek to settle their affairs with the support of a judge. However, Conferences have a very long way to go in terms of providing safe, solution- oriented and kind spaces for conflict resolution.

How Should We Be Doing This?

At Bair Family Law, we believe that the future of Family Law lies in providing an entirely different space for conflict resolution. Our approach to Family Law conflict resolution is grounded in three key words: (1) solutions (2) healing and (3) restoration.

Alternative Resolution Processes – We begin by inviting our clients to enter into alternative (non-Court) resolution processes. These include Mediation, Collaborative Family Law or collegial counsel negotiations. We ask each party and their family law lawyer to come forward with openness and transparency, with a goal to moving their separated family forward to a healthy, secure and collaborative future.

Coming Together and Setting Expectations – To achieve our goal, we bring the parties and their family law lawyers together, to meet in a neutral, comfortable and civil environment. At the outset of our meetings, we invite clients to:

1. throw off the cloaks of past hostility and toxicity; and
2. use our meetings as a zone for the generation of solutions.

This exercise is not about finger pointing, blame or thrashing out emotional upset.  It is about identifying both parties’ needs and interests and finding solutions that serve both parties’ interests to the greatest extent possible.

It is amazing how buoyed and optimistic parties become when they are looking to their futures and seeking to construct healthy, happy future outcomes, rather than vilifying and brutalizing one another.

It’s amazing how differently family law meetings unfold, when the tone for the meeting is one of kindness, civility and solution generation. We leave space for vulnerability. We invite both parties to be fully heard. And we insist upon active listening, because, if you don’t listen, how can you understand where to find a meeting place that serves all interests?

Our family law lawyers are trained in maintaining calm, non-toxic meeting spaces. Our family law lawyers are trained in supporting the generation of creative, client-driven, win-win options for resolution. As this kind of future focussed exercise unfolds, the stress of the unknown begins to evaporate.

Healing – The Bair Family Law process is more than a mechanism for generating solutions, it is a journey to better, kinder future relationships. It is a journey to clearer, more constructive communications. It is a pathway to calmer waters, in which your children will thrive.

With the support of our family law lawyers, parties are coached in constructive methods of listening, communicating, remaining child-focussed and resolving conflict with a view to serving the interests of all. When these techniques are applied, a roadmap for healing has been established. Trust in your separated spouse grows. You and your spouse may not be best friends again, but you can be kind collaborators. You can learn to offer each other some leniency for missteps, and you can devise strategies to minimize future turmoil. These are tools that will follow you beyond the process. In my experience, when people are invited to be their better selves, they almost always accept the invitation.

A process that includes dignity and civility breeds dignity and civility. A healing process is an invitation toward peace.

Restoration – Once you have generated your solutions, our family law lawyers will assist you in crafting an Agreement which crystallizes your plan of action. Your agreement will provide you with security, certainty and a clear future path. As you carry out the terms of your Agreement, in renewed harmony with your partner, your life will look different. Your family need not operate as a broken family. It can operate as a functional, healthy separated family. You can reach a restored state of wellness (emotional, familial and financial), and a place for optimism. This is what every couple should seek when making the decision to separate. This is the goal of Bair Family Law.

The future of Family Law must look different. It starts with practitioners who are dedicated to a new way of thinking. It starts with practitioners who are dedicated to solutions, healing and restoration.